Sunday, February 11, 2007

My Heart Rejoices

I awoke this morning to the dawning colors of a sleeping sky. A new day. As I toddled out of bed and to the restroom, thoughts filled my head...thoughts of babies and the dreams I have dreamed for many months now. I love the giggles of my darling Chloe and I dream of hearing a multitude of giggles along with hers. I smiled to myself as I moseyed into the bathroom. My smile quickly disappeared though as I realized a dreaded visitor had come for a week long visit. A visitor of bad tidings...with the announcement there would be no baby for me this month.

Suddenly, I no longer saw the orange and pink in the sky. I no longer felt the warmth of the room. I sat in stunned silence for many minutes. Why??? I thought for sure this month was THE month. What additional lessons could God possibly want to teach me? And the biggest question of come God allows all those druggies to have baby after baby in such abusive homes and He won't let me have more? I think I am a wonderful mother...with lots of love to give. Yes...I know, I know. I already have one...I should be thankful, right? I am. I am thankful. Very thankful. I love Chloe with all my heart and if she is the only child God wants me to have, then so be it. But still...the questions are still there. I haven't fully resigned to the fact that I might not have any more children. I just don't know. I don't know what God's plans are and that confuses me.

I finally got off the toilet and crept back into bed and hid under the safety of my blankets...hoping the day would just pass me by. I didn't make a peep, but James gently touched my arm and quietly whispered "I'm sorry". How did he know??? I wasn't due to start for another two days? It came early this month. How did he know? He says he just knows me.

I laid there for a while...not wanting to move. I seriously thought about skipping church. Then it came to me that church might be exactly the thing I needed at this very moment in my life. So, I got up and prepared my family for church.

Just my luck...a guest speaker. I am not one who is fond of guest speakers - especially when you have only been going to the church for a few short months and don't really know anyone anyways...but I wasn't there for me. I was there for I adjusted my heart's attitude and sat back to listen.

The preacher had us open to the book of Habakkuk. I have never read Habakkuk before. I don't read much of the Old Testament. Is it really for me in modern day times??? I just have a hard time convincing myself of that. I know thats the wrong attitude...but I do so much enjoy nice, easy books like James...or Ephesians...or Philippians. Books I pretty much know by heart. Well...Habakkuk it was.

What happened next nearly blew me off the pew. The preacher said his message was going to be about unanswered questions. Those questions of "Why God" and "Where are you God, in this crisis" and "Why can't I see Your hand God". Whoa!!! Wait a minute. He was talking directly to me!!!! And he said that sometimes these questions are never answered on this earth. We may never understand why God does certain things...or what His plan or purpose was in certain situations. The preacher walked us through the dialogue between Habakkuk and God...Habakkuk was questioning God...even complaining about not seeing God. God simply told him "Watch and be amazed for I am going to do something in your days that you will not believe". And still Habakkuk didn't see any changes.

What happened next is very important though. VERY important. Habakkuk stopped and brought into his mind the things God had done previously for His people. He got a mental picture of God's glory as seen in creation. (see chapter 3) And as he meditated a bit on this mental picture, he trembled. And what he did next is the key.

Habakkuk 3:16-18

"I heard and my heart pounded,
my lips quivered at the sound;
decay crept into my bones,
and my legs trembled.
Yet I will wait patiently for the day of calamity
to come on the nation invading us.
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior."

Even if all these things went wrong, Habakkuk was going to rejoice in the Lord. He was going to trust God. God said He was working and would defeat the enemy and even though Habakkuk could no see any changes (ie...the lack of grapes, olive crops, sheep or cattle - all thier livlihood) he took God at His word and rejoiced in Him.

So, tonight, while my heart still aches I am rejoicing in my Lord. God has a plan for my life...He has a purpose and He is working out that purpose whether I see it or not. Whether I understand it or not. I will rejoice in Him and Praise His name. So, I may learn this lesson again next month...and the next month...and the next month. I may see a darling new face in about a year or I may never hold a newborn baby in my arms again...but whatever happens, I will rejoice in the Lord for He has plans for me. Plans to prosper me, to give me hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Praise the Lord. My heart will sing praises to my God and Savior who wants nothing but the best for me. And tomorrow, I shall wake up and see the beautiful colors of the dawn. I will have a smile on my face as I mosey to the bathroom and dream my dreams. For God's mercies are new every morning.

Lamentations 3:22-23

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,
for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is Your faithfulness."

1 comment:

mom4x said...

I am so sorry for your disappointment Anna dear. But as he always does God came through and brightened your day. It will all work out, I just know it...