Friday, August 31, 2007

A Simple Matter of Trust

My heart has been restless lately. So much so that I haven't felt like posting on my blog. I am sorry for this. I truly am. But maybe after you read this post, you will understand my hesitation to post. I want you all to know that my intentions on posting this bit of my heart is in hopes that it will help someone who needs it. Maybe one of my faithful readers or even someone who just happens by for a moment.

But back to my restless heart. I feel that God is calling me. Leading me. Showing me how to be His beautiful woman. His beautiful bride. I feel convicted of things as I read His word and try to apply them to my life. I strive to raise my daughter by these convictions.

Alot of these things are considered "old-fashioned" or even "weird". I am quaint. I am different. But doesn't God call us to be different from the world? (Eph. 5:7-14) Even down the way we dress? I believe woman are to stay home and raise their families. I believe children are to be taught by thier mothers (and fathers) as opposed to strangers who are "just doing their job".

I find that such beliefs are mocked, critizied and even sabatoged by the world. Sadly enough, it is hard to find a church where these beliefs aren't critized. I have found that even though we attend a wonderful church, these beliefs are not condoned. Woman are to work outside the home and families are frowned upon. Children are viewed as a burden instead of the blessing from God that they are. Its okay to have a couple of children but any more than that is bad. That is what even Christian's believe. It is wrong for someone to have more than a handful of kids. Its poor planning, misuse of resources...the whole nine yards. I don't believe that and so I get critized and ridiculed. (yes, even by members of our church family)

My spirit is torn. My heart is broken. This hurts me deeply because I believe these things also hurt God's heart as well. But the reason I struggle so much is because my husband holds the same views as everyone else. He doesn't agree with me about dressing femininely so he doesn't support me in raising Chloe to dress like a little girl. He doesn't want me to homeschool her past the first or second grade.

This is hard for me since I honestly believe this is what is best for Chloe. I believe it is what God wants. So, I have spent much time praying about this. I have asked God to change James heart. To show him how things need to be.

Everything culminated for me last week. James and I had a little argument about my decision to wear skirts everyday. He didn't like it and it was starting to show in his attitude every time he came in the door from work. I don't know why it bothered him so much. I can't, for the life of me understand why it would, but it did.

I stayed up late that night in prayer. I meditated on the verses that supported my beliefs and prayed that God would change James heart. I also meditated on Ephesians 5:21-24. I have always struggled with the whole "submission" thing. I think I know it best because I know everything!!!

But God convicted me that night. After reading those verses about 10 times, it finally hit me. I was not trusting God. God has told me to submit to my husband. That is more important than the kind of clothes I am wearing, whether they be pants or skirts. That is more important than whether Chloe is homeschooled or attends a private school. God has told me to submit to my husband. God has put James as leader over me. He is my head. God won't let anything happen to me or to Chloe that is not within His Will. I can trust God that if something doesn't please Him, He will convict James of this. It is not my burden to carry. If God truly wants Chloe homeschooled then He will lead James down that path. It is not my battle to fight.

Oh, the peace that flooded my soul when I realized this sin on my part and confessed it. I gave God back the control over my life. Over Chloe's life. We are God's children and everything He has planned for us is GOOD. I can trust Him. I can trust God.

So, I still want to dress femininely and I will continue to pray for God to change James heart on this matter. I still want to homeschool Chloe and I will continue to pray for God to change James heart on that matter as well. But even if God doesn't change James heart, I will trust God that He knows what is best for this family and I will submit to James' decision in this matter, because I know that it is far more important that I submit than it is to get my own way.

Now, I must be going. We are off to go camping this weekend. Hooray! I have been asking for James to take me camping for years and its finally time. I will have loads of pictures come Tuesday. Have a wonderful, blessed and safe holiday this weekend. Pause and remember so many who have sacrificed so much so you can be free. Those families who work hard everyday so we can live in this free country. Say a prayer for the families who are seperated from thier daddies and husbands. God is good!


Lady_MSnow said...

Thank you so much for sharing your trials and triumphs with us Anna. It means a lot. May the Lord Bless you through this time. :)

Mimi said...

Hi, I've been reluctant to leave a comment since we haven't met.
Its so good to know that prayer does help us realize what to do. God did not tell us specifically to wear skirts always, but God commanded wives to submit to husbands, and take care of their families.

Amy said...

Wow. Trust can be such a hard thing, can't it? Thanks for posting about this, it was really something I needed to read.

I hope you are having a fun weekend out camping!

Lea said...

Anna, I almost cried when I read your post because I went through he same thing years ago...and on my knees in prayer is exactly where God revealed the same truth to me.... I took it one step further and apologized to my husband for not honoring him as head of the home... and reminding him and myself that if he prays about each decision be it homeschooling or skirts etc...then I must have faith in God and my husband for the right decision...also read the scripture in Peter about the wives gentle heart turning their husbands ...praying for you Anna, its a hard walk of faith

B said...

Oh Anna ... so many thoughts swirled around my head as I read your post - I won't go into on a comment because, well, it would be too long and be too much babbling, but let me say I am so glad you found some peace the other night! How wonderful!
And I hope your weekend is just fabulous =)
Can't wait to see the pictures!