Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Brooding

Brooding (v): 1. To be deep in thought; meditate.
2. To focus the attention on a subject persistently and moodily; worry
3. To be depressed.


In addition to a headache that struck me Friday night and didn't leave until I slept it off last night, I also succumbed to a "brooding spirit" this weekend. As you can see from the definition above, this is not a happy sort of place for my mind to be. What I am unable to figure out is why my spirit insists on dwelling in such a depressing place.

It probably doesn't help that, while in this moody frame of mind, I read Emily's Quest by LM Montgomery for my 50 Book Challenge. Don't get me wrong. I love this series. It delights my senses and tickles my imagination. If ever I were to be a famous author, I would want my books to create a mood very similar to LM Montgomery's.

But this is not what my spirit was dwelling on this weekend. Very much like Emily in Emily's Quest, my spirit brooded over dreams that seem to me unattainable. Questions fill my heart and soul. Questions I don't really want to ask myself because I am fearful of the answers. Okay...fearful is not the right word here. More like petrified or terrified.

Why am I so tired all the time? Why am I feeling so sick all the time? (headaches and such)
Why have I not gotten pregnant in almost two years of trying? (when we got pregnant with Chloe in one try) Why do I feel the need to get pregnant so bad? Why can I not enjoy the one precious child I do have?
Why do I pile my to-do list so high that no one (not even Martha Stewart) could ever accomplish it? Why can I not find pleasure in the task at hand? Why do I always think about what's next instead of enjoying what's now?
Should I spend less time designing crochet patterns and more time on things my family really needs? How many crocheted dresses does Chloe really even need? What does my family even really need?

And all these questions (and more) lead down to one....Am I in the center of God's Will for my life? Is He pleased with where I am at and what I am doing? How much does he really want me to do? (okay...so that was three questions. I obviously cannot count.)

In our sermon on Sunday the pastor mentioned briefly the passage from Matthew 25:14-30. Ahhhh...the parable of the talents.

Matthew 25:29
"For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him."


This got me to thinking about another passage regarding this very issue.

Luke 12:47-48
"And the servant who knew his master's will, and did not prepare himself or do according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes. But he who did not know, yet committed things deserving of stripes, shall be beaten with few. For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required; and to whom much has been committed, of him they will ask the more."


I like that passage in the NKJ better. I used the NKJ in my early schooling, not switching to the NIV until about 5th grade so there are still some verses I have memorized in that earlier version.

Anyways, I have been mulling this over and around in my brain for the past couple of days, trying to grasp what God is telling me through this. Obviously enough, I have been given much in my life. But now the question remains...what is required of me? I feel as though I am spreading myself too thin. Shouldn't I be focusing on a couple of things and getting better at those? Advancing my skills? Am I too young to be considered a master of my trade? So therefore its okay to spread myself so thin? Exactly what is it that God wants me to do with this crochet business? Sometimes I feel as though I devote too much of my time to it. But then again, I devote too much time to blog-surfing and eating chocolate and gossiping. So, does God want me to give up the chocolate-covered gossip and devote myself to my hobbies? Or does my house need to be spotless before I sit to crochet?

See? I told you. Brooding. Plain and simple. My mind is filled with these brooding thoughts and I can't seem to enjoy life.

Of course, there are those moments that stop you on a dime and you wish you could live in that moment forever. I sometimes let Chloe sleep in my bed with me. For naps or on nights when James is gone. Last night was one of those nights. "Feed the homeless nights" is what I call them now. He doesn't get home til about midnight and I get awful lonesome so I let Chloe sleep with me until she falls asleep. Then I move her into her own bed before James gets home.

Last night we were laying in bed, but sleep wasn't coming. Somehow we got to giggling. She tried to lick my face but I pulled it away at the last minute. This got us both laughing. So then I licked her face after which she bust up laughing. It became a little game and we both forgot that we were supposed to be sleeping. She accidentally scraped my eyelid with her fingernail during our little game and I said, "Oh ow!" She was still in giggle mode though and no matter how many times I asked her to "kiss Mama's boo-boo" she just pulled away and giggled, saying, "no kiss...no kiss". I gave up. We laid there for a bit, still playing, and then I began to stroke her head and talk to her. She reached up and stroked my head. It was a tender moment between mother and daughter. After about 5 minutes of this (which is a long time in toddler-land) she popped up, cupped my face in her hands and pulled it down to her face and gently kissed my eyelid.

I cried. I have to tell you, I have not cried like that in front of Chloe for a very long time. This little girl amazes me. She then said, "Mama crying?" and I said, "yes...Mama is crying, but its a happy cry." She grabbed the corner of the pillowcase and very gently wiped underneath each of my eyes.

Its times like those that make everything else worthwhile. So, while I struggle to find my place in God's will, I know that I am raising a child for Him and I KNOW that is right smack dab in the center of His Will. I know He is pleased with that. I know He was looking down at us last night and He smiled and even, quite possibly, shed a tear of joy along with me.

I am off now to enjoy a lovely cup of Ginger Peach tea in my new little teacup for one that my dear sister sent to me for my birthday. (more about that package in my next post) I hope you all have a wonderful day and remember that even in the storms of life, there is always a God who loves to bless you and "give you much".

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2 comments:

Lady_MSnow said...

Anna...I always appreciate it when you open up to us. I hope you know that you can always "talk" to me whenever you need to. :)

amy said...

What a beautiful thing to share, Anna. We can all learn such a lesson from this. It is the most tender of moments that we realize why we are here, and what our purpose is. You've experienced one of the purest moments of motherhood. Savour it :)