Thursday, September 04, 2008

When Your Heart Fails You

For one and a half months this summer, Chloe slept in bed with me. We traveled to many different houses while on vacation and at most of them there was only one bed for the two of us. I didn't mind in the least bit. To be honest, I am sort of REALLY missing James and its just nice to have a little someone in that big empty bed with me.

It backfired.

Chloe claims every naptime and bedtime that she "doesn't like" her room. It begins on the second to last page of the storybook for the evening. I can hear a moan starting in her throat which progresses to a full out whimper by the time I turn to the last page. She becomes noncompliant for prayers so I have to say them for her and I am very lucky if she even closes her eyes. As soon as the "amen" leaves my lips she states "I don't like my room" after which the tears commence full throttle.

I've tried everything I know to do. I leave the door open a crack because its "too dark in here". Well, that works until I am about 6 steps down the stairs and then I see an eyeball gazing at me through that crack as I descend. I walk her back to her bed, not saying a word, and the crying worsens dramatically. I am sure the neighbors think I am cutting her toes off or something else equally horrific. The door gets shut loosely and I proceed down the stairs a second time, this time making it to the very last step before I see a tear stained face stuffed into a baluster at the top of the landing. The walk back to bed, the door shut a second time and this time its hard so she can't open it herself. (She can only pull it open if its not latched.) Then the two hour tantrum begins and I hear toys battering against the door as if a hurricane has blown into my 3 year olds bedroom. You should see the room in the morning. The toy box is emptied of all its contents and they are in drifts up against the door, blocking my way into the room.

We have this ordeal every single afternoon AND evening. I am getting a little wearisome from this battle, but I know I must win. (Daddy simply will not fit on a toddler bed when he gets home.) Two nights ago we played out the above episode up to the point before I shut the door tightly. I came downstairs and washed the supper dishes and all was quiet. I breathed a sigh of relief. Ahhhh. It finally worked. Two weeks of this and she finally got the plot. I finished the dishes, swept the floor and programmed the coffee pot for morning. I grabbed my Bible and sat down on the couch for some peace and quiet. As I sat there I looked across the room and do you know what I see???


She had crawled into the little corner between the stairs and the recliner and fell asleep with her head in the cat bed. She looked so peaceful, I just couldn't wake her and discipline her. I know I should have, but I couldn't. My heart wouldn't let me. I lifted her sweetly up into my arms, gently kissed her rosy cheek and carried her to her bed.

Sometimes I think my heavenly Father must feel like that. I battle Him and battle Him all day long over every little piddly thing. He must get so frusterated with me and think (exactly as I've been thinking these past two weeks) "why won't you just obey me? It goes so much easier for you when you do. Why do you fight me so?" And when I fall asleep, weary from my struggles, He gently lifts me into His arms and holds me. He gazes into my peaceful face as I sleep and just feels an overwhelming Love for me.


Lady_MSnow said...

How true Anna....just keep at it. A child's will can be very, very difficult to break sometimes.

Kisha said...

Have you tried telling her that you will be back in a few minutes to check on her? Savie did this for a little bit and I had to leave the door open enough that she should see my whole body and tell her that I would be back in a few minutes. It worked even if I had to "check on her" 2-3 times.

Anonymous said...

AW~I'm *so sorry* for this trial! OH the heartstrings it pulls! (((((Anna)))))

Anonymous said...

Anna, I read your blog everyday. Please give us a new post. I miss you! Hope Chloe is better.