My heart broke...again. I thought I was past this. I believed I was past this. I felt I had moved on and came to terms with things. I felt I had reached the place of contentment with my life.
Until this week.
The wound reopened in a new way I never would have dreamed it could. It ripped apart at my carefully sewn seams, leaving my soul bare and raw.
Chloe recently posed the question to me, "Mama? When is Jesus going to put a baby in your tummy?"
The thing is, we are surrounded by babies. We are at a place in our lives where pregnant ladies abound. Everyone, it seems, is having babies. Everyone that is, but us. Chloe loves these babies. She asks about them. She wants to hold them, draw pictures for them, make cookies for them, take them home with us. She wants a baby. She sees everyone else having babies and wants to know when we are going to have ours.
I pray for wisdom how to answer my darling's sincere, yet heart-wrenching question. I look into her eyes and begin the explanation...
"God has different ways to give babies to families. Sometimes, He puts a baby in Mama's tummy, like He did with you. But sometimes He doesn't. There are Mama's out there who have babies in their tummies and they can't take care of those babies. God gives those babies to families like us so they become our babies."
Chloe looked at me with a smile and asked, "and then He puts that baby in your tummy?"
"No," I quietly explained. "God gives us the baby after it comes out of its own Mama's tummy. It never goes into my tummy. We would get the baby after it is born."
Chloe gets it. She gets it better than most five year old children would, I surmise. The heart-wrenching situation I find myself in is now listening to my daughter ask every lady she sees if they have a baby in their tummy. I believe she is on the hunt for our baby. She is searching for that Mama who can't care for the baby in her tummy so we can adopt the baby for our own.
Oh, my heart is breaking all over again.