Sometimes I lose my focus. I start to look at the circumstances around me and I begin to feel overwhelmed and inadequate. I can't keep up. I look at other people and I can't be like them and it bothers me. I mean, it really bothers me. All my life I have struggled to "fit in". I search for friendship from anyone and everyone, longing to be accepted and wanted. Longing to be cherished. When that doesn't happen, I feel inferior. I feel as though something is desperately wrong with me. Something has to be wrong with me, right? Or else I would have friends...
So goes the downward spiral of my thinking until I wake up one day to find myself in the pits of despair. Deep down there where I can see no sunlight or feel the fresh air on my face. I am lost in the darkness of a black place where I don't want to be. And why? All because "no one likes me".
I can't decorate my house well enough. I can't sew beautifully enough. I can't scrapbook well enough. And it gets worse. I can't memorize scripture like he can. I can't draw people to me with a smile like she can. I can't homeschool like they can. I can't cook decently. I can't remember things. I can't, I can't, I can't.
I fail every day. I mess up every day. I sin every day. I try hard and fall flat on my face every day. I just want to be liked by people, and I fail EVERY SINGLE DAY!
And while I am lying there, my face planted firmly in the mucky mire, I hear a voice whisper into my ear...
"Look at me."
I lift my head from the muck and my gaze falls upon One who loves me.
"But I can't. There is so much I need to do and I can't. I can't be the mother You want me to be. I can't be the friend You want me to be. I can't keep the house clean enough. I can't teach Chloe about You enough. I can't forgive others for the hurt they have caused. I just can't. I have failed, Lord. No one wants me. No one desires my presence. No one calls me or wants to hang out with me. No one cares. I can't keep it together, Lord! It hurts!"
"Turn your eyes to me, Anna. Look full in my wonderful face. The things of this earth will grow strangely dim in the light of my glory and grace."
And somehow, when I look upon Jesus face, my shortcomings and failures slowly fad into the distance until I can see them no more. Jesus, my Jesus. He paid the ultimate price just so He could spend time with me. Eternity. He wants me for eternity. He cherishes me so much that He died a horrible death on the cross so He would be able to shower me with His love for all of eternity. It no longer matters how my photography compares. I no longer care if I burnt the sausage last week. It doesn't matter whether I have one friend or fifty. I have looked into the eyes of the One who loves me deeper and stronger than anything imaginable and these earthly things have dimly faded in the light of His love.