Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Turn Your Eyes

Sometimes I lose my focus. I start to look at the circumstances around me and I begin to feel overwhelmed and inadequate. I can't keep up. I look at other people and I can't be like them and it bothers me. I mean, it really bothers me. All my life I have struggled to "fit in". I search for friendship from anyone and everyone, longing to be accepted and wanted. Longing to be cherished. When that doesn't happen, I feel inferior. I feel as though something is desperately wrong with me. Something has to be wrong with me, right? Or else I would have friends...

So goes the downward spiral of my thinking until I wake up one day to find myself in the pits of despair. Deep down there where I can see no sunlight or feel the fresh air on my face. I am lost in the darkness of a black place where I don't want to be. And why? All because "no one likes me".

I can't decorate my house well enough. I can't sew beautifully enough. I can't scrapbook well enough. And it gets worse. I can't memorize scripture like he can. I can't draw people to me with a smile like she can. I can't homeschool like they can. I can't cook decently. I can't remember things. I can't, I can't, I can't.

I fail every day. I mess up every day. I sin every day. I try hard and fall flat on my face every day. I just want to be liked by people, and I fail EVERY SINGLE DAY!

And while I am lying there, my face planted firmly in the mucky mire, I hear a voice whisper into my ear...

"Look at me."

I lift my head from the muck and my gaze falls upon One who loves me.

"But I can't. There is so much I need to do and I can't. I can't be the mother You want me to be. I can't be the friend You want me to be. I can't keep the house clean enough. I can't teach Chloe about You enough. I can't forgive others for the hurt they have caused. I just can't. I have failed, Lord. No one wants me. No one desires my presence. No one calls me or wants to hang out with me. No one cares. I can't keep it together, Lord! It hurts!"

"Turn your eyes to me, Anna. Look full in my wonderful face. The things of this earth will grow strangely dim in the light of my glory and grace."

And somehow, when I look upon Jesus face, my shortcomings and failures slowly fad into the distance until I can see them no more. Jesus, my Jesus. He paid the ultimate price just so He could spend time with me. Eternity. He wants me for eternity. He cherishes me so much that He died a horrible death on the cross so He would be able to shower me with His love for all of eternity. It no longer matters how my photography compares. I no longer care if I burnt the sausage last week. It doesn't matter whether I have one friend or fifty. I have looked into the eyes of the One who loves me deeper and stronger than anything imaginable and these earthly things have dimly faded in the light of His love.

6 comments:

Shay said...

Anna~

I feel your hurt and pain. I feel your heart. You sound like an echo of me. I don't know how many times I have asked my husband, "What is WRONG with me? I mean, really...what is wrong? There must be something...why else do I NOT have friends like everybody else. Not even my mother, father, brothers or sisters will have anything to do with me!" But I also come to the same conclusion as you shared in your post.
God loves me. Jesus. He is my Father. He is my everything. I'm so thankful for Him!

You sound like a Kindred Spirit to me.

Your Christian Blogger Friend,
Shay

Amy @ Experience Imagination said...

Thank you for sharing this. I really needed the reminder today.

Anna said...

It is a blessing to know that although we struggle, we are not alone. Others have walked the road before us. Others are there to walk along beside us. We may not know each other in person today, but we are sisters in Christ and we can walk together. That is what the blessing of the internet has done for me. It has helped me to realize that I am not alone in my suffering. And by sharing my journey with you, I can walk beside you all and we can carry each others burdens in prayer.

Sarah said...

What a humble and blessed heart you have. God bless you Anna, thank you for being honest and sharing this, I fight this feeling too. I hope you have a beautiful day.

Anonymous said...

Dear, dear Anna,
Although I don't have a blog, I do enjoy reading other blogs and yours is one I check regularly. You, my dear girl, are young enough to be my daughter, and I want you to know that I read your blog because I can see myself in you when I was your age-- creative, sensitive and longing to feel accepted. Now, from the vantage point of my years, I want to share with you what I have learned. When we have the deepest longings for something intangible, we need to remind ourselves that nothing and no one can (or should) fill that void except God. Here is a quote from C.S. Lewis that I copied onto an index card so I can see it when I need reminded: "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing."

Here's something you may want to try: as you read your Bible and various inspirational books, start copying down onto index cards certain phrases or verses that stand out to you. Keep them in a file box and when you are experiencing uncertain or unsettling feelings, pull out these cards and read them prayerfully. Hope this is of encouragement to you! God bless you, my dear. Judy

P.S. Just want you to know I applaud you for knitting the lace tiered skirt. You have so inspired me that I bought the book and am right now trying to decide what color yarn I want to order.

Anna said...

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement, Judy. You brought a tear to my eye as I contemplated them. I love that quote. I will be writing that down and using it just as you suggested. Another one that I use most often is Philippians 4:8. I start reciting it to myself as these thoughts start pouring into my mind. I am able to re-shift my focus back onto the truth.

And I am so glad to have inspired you to knit the tiered skirt. I just have to say to be careful on the last tier. I messed up my count a few rows back and am now going to have to frog about 12 rows to fix it. I thought I wouldn't be noticable, but it is. I think I will need an Audrey Hepburn or Jane Austin movie night to motivate me to frog all that.