Friday, June 03, 2011

Letting Go

I am letting go.

I have recently learned that I am a perfectionist. Yes. Indeed. I was just as shocked as you when I first heard this thought in my brain. Never did I think I was that. Anything but that. Right? Well, I most assuredly am that. I really am. And quite frankly, I need to get over it. So here it goes.

I am letting go of some clutter in my home. Things that I like but that I just don't love any more. They don't make me smile. Quite honestly, they make me groan. Do I really want to clean those knic knacs one more time? Nope. How much dust can one plate collect in 4 years? Tons. I am letting them go.

I am letting go of that silly 365 day challenge. I really wanted to do it, but then things got crazy. Then the fact that I didn't keep up with it caused to me no longer blog. I felt like I had nothing to say if I didn't write about that silly challenge. Well, there it goes. Floating away. Bye bye 365 Day challenge.

I am letting go of this crazy idea that I must insert a photograph into every single post. Like this post here. No photo. Crazy, right? But it is doable. Gone. I let it go.

I am letting go of the fact that I am not Miss Popularity. I strove for most of my life to be the friendliest, most outgoing person I could be. Well, I think I pushed away too many people in the process. Do you want to know why? Because its not me. Not the real me, anyways. I am shy. I am introverted. I am a private person (aside from this here blog where I tend to let things loose a bit at times). I am a homebody. I am a family orientated person who just likes to be with my family. When I get nervous I talk a lot. A LOT. I say stupid things. (Don't let Chloe know I used that word.) But I really do. I try to make up for the fact that I don't know what to say in circumstances and so I end up saying too much. I would much rather sit quietly by listening to everyone else talk. So, I am letting go of this notion that I must be super outgoing to be a good Christian girl. I don't have to attend every party or every social event. I can be me. I am okay with that.

I am letting go of this insane notion that because someone else is doing something on a blog, I must then do it myself. Yes, we can learn quite a lot of good ideas from blogs. But we do not need to base our entire lives off the lives of others. There are so many good things out there but we can't possibly do them all. I need to sit down and decide, with prayer, what is best for MY family. What God would have MY family do. Do I need to read to Chloe for an hour every afternoon just because I saw Jane Doalot over there posting that very goal for herself and then feeling guilty when I fail? No. I don't. (this coordinates with the whole 365 challenge thing I let go of above.) I am letting go of this too. There is goes, right along with the guilt.

I am letting go of my fear. I am petrified. I don't know where God is leading us in this whole adoption thing. James would like to go through the state with their Foster to Adopt program. That just plain scares me. What if I pour my heart into a child for 2-3 years only to have them ripped from my home and I never get to see or hear from them again? That could tear me apart worse than this "infertility" thing has. We have the application sitting here. It's been filled out since November. But my fear has held onto it and not allowed it to leave my house. It's time to let go of my fear. To take a step of faith. To allow God to work in our lives. To see a miracle. It might not be the miracle I expect or even dream or hope of, but I know God has a plan and its for my good. Goodbye fear. You've lived in my heart for too long.

I am letting go of the word perfect. It will no longer exist in my vocabulary. For far too long I have wallowed in guilt because I simply cannot attain perfection. God brought a perfect verse to my mind this week as I pleaded with him for help. (I guess I can't eradicate the word entirely from my vocabulary...I do serve a perfect God.)

2 Corinthians 12:9
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

So, there you have it. I am weak. I am much too weak to hold onto all these things. I am letting go. Now let's see some power! God's power! Woo Hoo! I feel free!


Lindy said...

Your post lightened my load too!

We have a family in our church who has done foster care their entire marriage. The husband lived in a home where his parents did foster care. It is amazing to see the family they have. The kids they still talk to, the babies of kids they fostered who call them grandparents. Good for you letting go of this fear. The family that God has in mind for you will be amazing no matter how many or for how long they stay. Prayers on your journey!

LadySnow said...

Thank you so much for sharing this! I am going through something like this right now. Letting go of my fear/anxiety over certain things. May the Lord bless you my friend. <3

kopfmom said...

The letting go article was wonderful Anna. I read it to Dad and he thinks so also. Keep up the good work Love You, Mom